“Aw, ma, why can’t I go? All my friends are going.” Rajiv fidgeted with the fabric on the sofa as he sat across from his mother in the living room. He always got nervous in these confrontations with his parents, which seemed to be happening more frequently lately.
“Well, your father and I want you to spend time with the family.”
Rajiv looked up and met her earnest gaze. She was dressed in the traditional Indian sari. Rajiv loved his mother, but to him she was hopelessly old-fashioned, as his friends called it. They, too, were from Indian families. Some of them were choosing to rebel against their parents’ customs, while others continued to respect them. They all were struggling with many issues as they faced a changing culture.
The situation at hand was whether Rajiv would be allowed to go see a movie with some of his friends at the same time that the family, including Rajiv's cousins, would be getting together in Rajiv's aunt's backyard.
"I've seen my family a million times, and I hardly get to see my school friends outside of school."
Rajiv ventured this argument, but it was really no use. In Indian families, children did not contradict their parents. The parents’ word was final. His parents looked mildly surprised that he would even say anything at all, but then they looked at each other and kept silent. He knew what they were expecting him to do.
Rajiv went outside, where his friends were waiting in front of the house.
“Well?” said Deepak, known as D.P. to his friends. D.P. was the acknowledged leader of the group.
“My mom said no,” Rajiv responded dejectedly, eyes downcast.
“Oh, man,” cried D.P. “What’s wrong with her, anyway? It’s just a movie.”
They all stood around in silence for a few seconds.
“So, what are you going to do?” D.P.’s voice broke the silence.
Rajiv looked up in surprise. “What do you mean? My mom said I have to go to my aunt's."
D.P. said, “Your aunt lives right by the movie theater. When your parents think you're playing with your cousins, just sneak out the back fence."
“My cousins would tell.”
“What—can't you tell them you'll return the favor?" D.P. looked incredulous. "My family covers for me all the time—and me for them."
"My family isn't so 'modern' as all that," said Rajiv.
“Listen, Raj, it’s not like we’re committing a crime or something. We’re just going to see a movie.”
“Still …” Rajiv said. "I’ll just have to miss it this time." He shrugged. "I have fun with my cousins."
“What! Are you going to be a mama’s boy all your life? Stand up and be a man!”
With that, Rajiv stood up resolutely and looked his friend straight in the eye.
“No, D.P. My parents may be old-fashioned, but they’re still my parents, and I respect what they say.”
“Have it your way,” D.P. said angrily. “Let’s go, boys.”
Rajiv knew he wasn't welcome to follow along as they all strode off. Wow. If it was that easy to lose friends, maybe it was good that he had all his cousins! If it was up to guys like D.P., he wasn't sure he'd have any friends at all.
Rajiv went along with his family to his aunt's house and, as usual, had a great time with his cousins. He loved his family. There was a big meal, music, and they lit big mosquito-chasing torches which made the backyard seem like an exotic place. Within the family, the kids had a lot of freedom, so they ran in and out of the house, tumbled in and out of the bunks in wrestling matches, played table football and billiards in the basement and basketball at the hoop attached to the top of the garage. With his cousins, he was allowed to go to the nearby park and play a thrilling game of hide and seek in the gathering darkness.
He couldn't even remember the name of the movie D.P. had been urging him to see. And the firelight of the torches, lighting up the smiling faces of his relatives, seemed warmer and more welcoming than the nearby neon of the theater mall.
Friends were great, and he was pretty sure he could get D.P. and the others to forgive him. They knew what Indian families were like, after all. Friends were great. But family was greater. And Rajiv knew it.
Comments
In the course of our lives, we make contact with many kinds of people and form many kinds of relationships. In the early years, the most important of these relationships are those with our own family—first with our parents and then with our brothers and sisters. Grandparents may also be in the picture, and perhaps also aunts, uncles, and cousins.
As we grow older, we naturally come into contact with people outside of our family—neighbors, schoolmates, and other acquaintances. Some of them become close friends. Other remain just acquaintances.
For many years, the relationships we have inside and outside our family exist in a happy harmony. As we enter our teenage years, however, tension may begin to emerge between these two types of relationships. It is not uncommon for teenagers to experience a pull in different directions between family and friends. Situations seem to emerge with increasing frequency in which our family would have us do one thing, but our friends would like us to do something else. We start finding ourselves unable to please both at the same time. Repeatedly we are faced with a dilemma: To whom do we listen: our family (i.e., parents) or our friends? To follow one sometimes means to go against the other.
As we grow up, it is natural to begin to give greater weight to relationships outside of our family. Our destiny is to become independent adults, capable of making our own decisions and taking responsibility for those decisions. Although we will always treasure our family relationships, as we move out into the world, our inclination is to explore new relationships and meet new people. This is part of the growth process. As our world of relationships expands, we learn how to relate with and understand many kinds of people—people of different backgrounds, cultures, religions, and races. A mature heart should be able to embrace many types of people.
However, our very ability to make friends and to get along with bosses, co-workers, and people under us depends on—you guessed it!—our family relationships. In our family, we learn how to relate to people who are senior to us, people who are junior to us, and people who are our equals. We relate to boys and girls, men and women, old people, and babies. A family is a little version of the whole world—and if we love and trust the members of our family, we bring that warmth and trust into relationships with others outside of our family.
Some of the most noble and heroic people in the world became that way because they came from loving, supportive families. Scientists recognize that people of good conscience—those who are law-abiding and compassionate—got that way because they were strongly attached to their parents and family members.
Enjoy your family! It is the growing ground for all your relationships with the wider world of people. What is more, our family members are the ones who will be there for us during all the most important parts of life.
Questions for reflection
1. Have you ever been in a situation like Rajiv? How did you handle it?
2. Do you feel sometimes that your parents are too confining?
3. Have you ever had to choose between friends and family?
4. Do you feel that sometimes your parents judge your friends unfairly?
5. Have you ever gone against your parents’ wishes and done what your friends wanted you to do? What was the result?
6. Do you have fun with your family?
Exercise: Family fun
Your teacher will break the class up into small discussion groups of three or four students. Share within these discussion groups the best time you ever remember having with your family.
Reflection exercise: “My friends and my family”
Think of ten things you did or wanted to do with your friends in the past month. Make a list of what they were. Now, next to each one write down your parents’ attitude toward each—strongly approved, mildly approved, neutral, mildly disapproved, or strongly disapproved. Next, write down their reasons for their attitudes. Finally, write down whether you agreed or disagreed with their reasons. Does this help you to understand your parents’ perspective better, whether you agree with them or not?
Rajiv's story
“Aw, ma, why can’t I go? All my friends are going.” Rajiv fidgeted with the fabric on the sofa as he sat across from his mother in the living room. He always got nervous in these confrontations with his parents, which seemed to be happening more frequently lately.
“Well, your father and I want you to spend time with the family.”
Rajiv looked up and met her earnest gaze. She was dressed in the traditional Indian sari. Rajiv loved his mother, but to him she was hopelessly old-fashioned, as his friends called it. They, too, were from Indian families. Some of them were choosing to rebel against their parents’ customs, while others continued to respect them. They all were struggling with many issues as they faced a changing culture.
The situation at hand was whether Rajiv would be allowed to go see a movie with some of his friends at the same time that the family, including Rajiv's cousins, would be getting together in Rajiv's aunt's backyard.
"I've seen my family a million times, and I hardly get to see my school friends outside of school."
Rajiv ventured this argument, but it was really no use. In Indian families, children did not contradict their parents. The parents’ word was final. His parents looked mildly surprised that he would even say anything at all, but then they looked at each other and kept silent. He knew what they were expecting him to do.
Rajiv went outside, where his friends were waiting in front of the house.
“Well?” said Deepak, known as D.P. to his friends. D.P. was the acknowledged leader of the group.
“My mom said no,” Rajiv responded dejectedly, eyes downcast.
“Oh, man,” cried D.P. “What’s wrong with her, anyway? It’s just a movie.”
They all stood around in silence for a few seconds.
“So, what are you going to do?” D.P.’s voice broke the silence.
Rajiv looked up in surprise. “What do you mean? My mom said I have to go to my aunt's."
D.P. said, “Your aunt lives right by the movie theater. When your parents think you're playing with your cousins, just sneak out the back fence."
“My cousins would tell.”
“What—can't you tell them you'll return the favor?" D.P. looked incredulous. "My family covers for me all the time—and me for them."
"My family isn't so 'modern' as all that," said Rajiv.
“Listen, Raj, it’s not like we’re committing a crime or something. We’re just going to see a movie.”
“Still …” Rajiv said. "I’ll just have to miss it this time." He shrugged. "I have fun with my cousins."
“What! Are you going to be a mama’s boy all your life? Stand up and be a man!”
With that, Rajiv stood up resolutely and looked his friend straight in the eye.
“No, D.P. My parents may be old-fashioned, but they’re still my parents, and I respect what they say.”
“Have it your way,” D.P. said angrily. “Let’s go, boys.”
Rajiv knew he wasn't welcome to follow along as they all strode off. Wow. If it was that easy to lose friends, maybe it was good that he had all his cousins! If it was up to guys like D.P., he wasn't sure he'd have any friends at all.
Rajiv went along with his family to his aunt's house and, as usual, had a great time with his cousins. He loved his family. There was a big meal, music, and they lit big mosquito-chasing torches which made the backyard seem like an exotic place. Within the family, the kids had a lot of freedom, so they ran in and out of the house, tumbled in and out of the bunks in wrestling matches, played table football and billiards in the basement and basketball at the hoop attached to the top of the garage. With his cousins, he was allowed to go to the nearby park and play a thrilling game of hide and seek in the gathering darkness.
He couldn't even remember the name of the movie D.P. had been urging him to see. And the firelight of the torches, lighting up the smiling faces of his relatives, seemed warmer and more welcoming than the nearby neon of the theater mall.
Friends were great, and he was pretty sure he could get D.P. and the others to forgive him. They knew what Indian families were like, after all. Friends were great. But family was greater. And Rajiv knew it.
Comments
In the course of our lives, we make contact with many kinds of people and form many kinds of relationships. In the early years, the most important of these relationships are those with our own family—first with our parents and then with our brothers and sisters. Grandparents may also be in the picture, and perhaps also aunts, uncles, and cousins.
As we grow older, we naturally come into contact with people outside of our family—neighbors, schoolmates, and other acquaintances. Some of them become close friends. Other remain just acquaintances.
For many years, the relationships we have inside and outside our family exist in a happy harmony. As we enter our teenage years, however, tension may begin to emerge between these two types of relationships. It is not uncommon for teenagers to experience a pull in different directions between family and friends. Situations seem to emerge with increasing frequency in which our family would have us do one thing, but our friends would like us to do something else. We start finding ourselves unable to please both at the same time. Repeatedly we are faced with a dilemma: To whom do we listen: our family (i.e., parents) or our friends? To follow one sometimes means to go against the other.
As we grow up, it is natural to begin to give greater weight to relationships outside of our family. Our destiny is to become independent adults, capable of making our own decisions and taking responsibility for those decisions. Although we will always treasure our family relationships, as we move out into the world, our inclination is to explore new relationships and meet new people. This is part of the growth process. As our world of relationships expands, we learn how to relate with and understand many kinds of people—people of different backgrounds, cultures, religions, and races. A mature heart should be able to embrace many types of people.
However, our very ability to make friends and to get along with bosses, co-workers, and people under us depends on—you guessed it!—our family relationships. In our family, we learn how to relate to people who are senior to us, people who are junior to us, and people who are our equals. We relate to boys and girls, men and women, old people, and babies. A family is a little version of the whole world—and if we love and trust the members of our family, we bring that warmth and trust into relationships with others outside of our family.
Some of the most noble and heroic people in the world became that way because they came from loving, supportive families. Scientists recognize that people of good conscience—those who are law-abiding and compassionate—got that way because they were strongly attached to their parents and family members.
Enjoy your family! It is the growing ground for all your relationships with the wider world of people. What is more, our family members are the ones who will be there for us during all the most important parts of life.
Questions for reflection
1. Have you ever been in a situation like Rajiv? How did you handle it?
2. Do you feel sometimes that your parents are too confining?
3. Have you ever had to choose between friends and family?
4. Do you feel that sometimes your parents judge your friends unfairly?
5. Have you ever gone against your parents’ wishes and done what your friends wanted you to do? What was the result?
6. Do you have fun with your family?
Exercise: Family fun
Your teacher will break the class up into small discussion groups of three or four students. Share within these discussion groups the best time you ever remember having with your family.
Reflection exercise: “My friends and my family”
Think of ten things you did or wanted to do with your friends in the past month. Make a list of what they were. Now, next to each one write down your parents’ attitude toward each—strongly approved, mildly approved, neutral, mildly disapproved, or strongly disapproved. Next, write down their reasons for their attitudes. Finally, write down whether you agreed or disagreed with their reasons. Does this help you to understand your parents’ perspective better, whether you agree with them or not?